COPS
by SamandMax
Summary: After beating Metal Gear, Solid Snake joins the police force and is taped for an episode of COPS


9:15 PM  
  
Snake- I joined the force in 2000 after destroying Metal Gear. I decided that fighting terrorists, robotic ninjas, and gigantic robots was not for me. I've like working on the force, there's a lot more drunken beatings here.  
  
Radio- We have reason to believe a 6-12 was commited in your area officer Snake. Please be on the lookout for a white male wearing a red baseball cap.  
  
Snake- Dispatch, what is a 6-12?  
  
Radio- sighI already told you earlier tonight Snake. A 6-12 is a mugging.  
  
Snake- Ok. Wait a minute, is that old woman wearing a red baseball cap?  
  
Snake jumps out of the car and pushes the old woman to the ground  
  
Snake- So lady, you think you can mug people.  
  
Old Woman- What?  
  
Snake- Yeah. That's what they all say. I'm going to make sure they take real rough care of you in the pen.  
  
Old Woman- What's going on?  
  
Snake- Hey, I didn't say you can talk back. Don't make me get the mace out.  
  
Old Woman- Don't spray me!  
  
Snake- Spray? The mace I was talking about is a sharp metal ball chained to a stick.  
  
The woman runs away screaming  
  
Snake- I'll let her off this time. Next time....It's personal...Did you film that? Make sure you did, that's my big dramatic scene.  
  
9:34 PM  
  
Snake- Ever since I joined the station, Chief told me that crime has been down seventy percent while innocent beatings are up three hundred percent. I like to think I'm making a difference.  
  
Radio- Officer Snake, we have a dispute at 454 Archer Avenue. Please check on it.  
  
Snake- I'm on my way....Wait, is Archer Avenue by that gas station.  
  
Radio- Umm...there's no gas station within two miles of it.  
  
Snake- Then where am I headed?  
  
10:20  
  
After being lost for almost an hour, Snake pulls up and enters the house where a married couple are fighting  
  
Snake- Alright, what's going on. Who do I have to beat?  
  
Wife- My husband's leaving me for my sister! I want him dead!  
  
Snake- Hey, we all want someone dead but that doesn't mean we can murder them. Even I would go drive over the postman if it wasn't for "rules and laws".  
  
Wife- What if I just maim him, not kill him.  
  
Snake- Yeah, that'd be alright. That's legal.  
  
Husband- What are you talking about, that's attempted murder.  
  
Snake- Hey, you want me to club you?  
  
Husband- Sorry.  
  
Snake- That's it, you're under arrest.  
  
Husband- For what?  
  
Snake- Wouldn't you like to know.  
  
Husband- Yes, I would.  
  
Snake-....Ok, I'll let you off with a warning this time.  
  
Husband- Warning for what.  
  
Snake-....I have to go.... Police business  
  
  
  
10:35  
  
Snake- Yes, I'll get a large hamburger. No, make that two large hamburgers. Four cokes, two milkshakes, and two pounds worth of french fries.  
  
Order Taker- Uh...we don't sell fries by the pound. We sell them in packs.  
  
Snake- Ok, I'll take eight packs.  
  
Order Taker- Sir, when someone buys this much grease, we must give warnings that heart attacks can occur and we won't be held responsible.  
  
Snake- I don't care, give me my food.  
  
10:42  
  
Snake- Ugh....so much fries....must...finish....burgers...milkshake causing brain to freeze....get lobotomy later to stop freezing.  
  
11:23  
  
Snake is lying in a hospital bed, a doctor stands beside him  
  
Doctor- Snake, it seems you had a mild heart attack. I found eight pounds of grease clogged up in the veins, the highest ammount someone had in there system and lived was two. So in theory, you should be dead right now.  
  
Snake- Do you think I can still beat people with my heart condition.  
  
Doctor- ....I guess so. Of course, you only beat people when its nescessary.  
  
Snake- Nah, not really. If someone jay walks, that's three baton beatings. Speeding is a mace spray and walking a dog without a leash gets a taser zap.  
  
Doctor- Should you be saying this while you're being taped.  
  
Snake- Taped? I'm not be taped.  
  
Doctor- There are cameras from COPS right over there.  
  
Snake- Oh beep I forgot about the beep cameras. Now I'll look like a beep beep on tv. beep beeptime machine stealing beep beep the beep beep beep and those stupid apricots.  
  
  
  
3:02 AM  
  
Snake- Yeah, the life of an officer is a dangerous one. I can end up in a hospital with the snap of the fingers. Especially if those fingers snap and pull the trigger of a gun to shoot me.  
  
Radio- Officer Snake, you're reported to keep watch for a black car with license plate...  
  
Snake switches the radio station to classic rock where they're playinf the song Rock the Casbah  
  
Snake- Rock the Casbah, Rock the Casba. Something something something. Rock the Casbah, Rock the Casbah.  
  
3:43 AM  
  
Snake- Hmmm, that's a black car up ahead. Maybe that's the car that radio was talking about before. I guess I should have listened to the license plate number. Oh well, I got to hear Rock the Casbah.  
  
Snake pulls the car over and walks to the window  
  
Snake- Hey, what kind of car is this.  
  
Driver- It's a hearse.  
  
Snake- So, these are the cars that carry the money to the banks.  
  
Driver- No, actually I move bodies to the graveyard.  
  
Snake- Ewwww... so are you a grave robber or something.  
  
Driver- No, I just transport the bodies.  
  
Snake- Hey, does anyone try to pretend the bodies are alive like in Weeked at Bernie's.  
  
Driver- Uhh, no.  
  
Snake- Or has anyone faked their death by stealing a corpse and switching clothes with it.  
  
Driver- Well, now that you mention it, Walt Di-  
  
Snake- Hey, I didn't ask for your life story.  
  
Driver- Well then what do you want.  
  
Snake-....Hmm, I don't know. I guess you can carry on.  
  
Driver- Well then why did you pull me over.  
  
Snake- I said get going. Don't make me put you in that coffin in the back.  
  
Driver- I rather enjoy sleeping in coffins though.  
  
Snake- Ok, just get out of here Gomez.  
  
3:45 AM  
  
Radio- Officer Snake, have you found the black hearse we told you about before.  
  
Snake- No...oh wait, I let it get away.  
  
Radio- You do know that there was nuclear weapons in the back.  
  
Snake- Oh, so that's why the coffin in the back had the nuclear symbol on it. Hahaha, it's kind of funny if you think about it.  
  
Radio- What's funny.  
  
Snake- That I doomed all of us to melting in a nuclear blast. Hahahahaha  
  
Radio- What!?....Oh, now I get it. Hahahaha. 


End file.
